Today Oct. 24th has normally been the hardest day of the year for me. You see Twenty one years ago today my father died of a massive heart attack. Let me back up a bit and explain what has happened to make this year different.
Last year the same thing happened that has been happening since my father died. Around October I started feeling down, frustrated, angry and over all just cranky. Those feelings lasted until Christmas time.
It was rather late at night and I really started to feel sad and missed my father so intensely that it was actually painful.
Instead of doing what I had normally done, which was to find something to distract me from those feeling or to squash them down so I wouldn't have to feel them. I went into the bathroom closed the door and just let my self cry.
Now I'm not talking that macho get a little teary, and "man" my way through it. This time I just let it go and really cryed. That, you just got left at daycare your all alone the world just ended soul wrenching little boy hurt kinda cry. After a good 3-4 hours I was finally drained.
I went to bed after that and slept very very soundly. The next morning when I awoke I felt rather good, I was happy and I guess the best word for it would be lighter. It felt as if a very heavy weight had been lifted from me.
I also discovered a truly amazing thing! I could think of my father and I wasn't crushed with loneliness and a longing to see him. Now don't get me wrong I still missed him, in fact just as much as I have since his passing. But the missing did not crush me into the ground anymore.
Over this last year have been able to truly celebrate my fathers life and the thing he gave to me. I have even forgiven him for dieing before I was ready for him to. I also have stopped feeling guilty over his death.
You see my father died just five months after I had been in a life altering accident. I used to blame myself and that accident for bringing on my fathers early passing. I know that he had been very worried and highly stressed over the accident I had been in. I had been ran over by a semi-truck trailer while riding a motor cycle, and spent three and a half months in the hospital.
What I came to realize over this last year is that I had never truly morned the passing of my father, my hero, and advisor. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own but, that would be a HUGE lie and it would also wrong someone who has come to mean as much to me as my father, My Brother.
Tom thank you for seeing me through the hurt and helping me find the courage to actually get pass the lose.
So today I say I love you Dad, and I miss you. Thank you for all the wonder things you taught me and the great memories we shared.
Dad I'm doing good, and I look forward to the time when we will see each other again. If you don't mind that's going to be sometime off. I have a brother and sister that I need to keep learning more about and to make memory's with.
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3 comments:
Wow, this is a powerful post. The power of death and the power of mourning that death are indeed amazing. It is nice to see that you are finding a way to integrate the experience of dad's death rather than keeping it separate and detached. That way, you can truly hold on to him and keep him close.
Thanks also for the reminder that we all have things to mourn and we are better for going through the process.
What a heavy weight to carry with you for over two decades. And how wonderful that you let yourself grieve. What a gift to you and your Dad.
You know I'm not really sure if its proper to comment in your own blog comments section but,.... who cares lol.
Thank you very much for your support and your kind words. I truly hope that by sharing my experiences and discoveries that I can help others.
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