Learning to live with a loss.

Today Oct. 24th has normally been the hardest day of the year for me. You see Twenty one years ago today my father died of a massive heart attack. Let me back up a bit and explain what has happened to make this year different.



Last year the same thing happened that has been happening since my father died. Around October I started feeling down, frustrated, angry and over all just cranky. Those feelings lasted until Christmas time.

It was rather late at night and I really started to feel sad and missed my father so intensely that it was actually painful.

Instead of doing what I had normally done, which was to find something to distract me from those feeling or to squash them down so I wouldn't have to feel them. I went into the bathroom closed the door and just let my self cry.

Now I'm not talking that macho get a little teary, and "man" my way through it. This time I just let it go and really cryed. That, you just got left at daycare your all alone the world just ended soul wrenching little boy hurt kinda cry. After a good 3-4 hours I was finally drained.



I went to bed after that and slept very very soundly. The next morning when I awoke I felt rather good, I was happy and I guess the best word for it would be lighter. It felt as if a very heavy weight had been lifted from me.

I also discovered a truly amazing thing! I could think of my father and I wasn't crushed with loneliness and a longing to see him. Now don't get me wrong I still missed him, in fact just as much as I have since his passing. But the missing did not crush me into the ground anymore.



Over this last year have been able to truly celebrate my fathers life and the thing he gave to me. I have even forgiven him for dieing before I was ready for him to. I also have stopped feeling guilty over his death.

You see my father died just five months after I had been in a life altering accident. I used to blame myself and that accident for bringing on my fathers early passing. I know that he had been very worried and highly stressed over the accident I had been in. I had been ran over by a semi-truck trailer while riding a motor cycle, and spent three and a half months in the hospital.



What I came to realize over this last year is that I had never truly morned the passing of my father, my hero, and advisor. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own but, that would be a HUGE lie and it would also wrong someone who has come to mean as much to me as my father, My Brother.



Tom thank you for seeing me through the hurt and helping me find the courage to actually get pass the lose.



So today I say I love you Dad, and I miss you. Thank you for all the wonder things you taught me and the great memories we shared.
Dad I'm doing good, and I look forward to the time when we will see each other again. If you don't mind that's going to be sometime off. I have a brother and sister that I need to keep learning more about and to make memory's with.

Life coaching

I have been seeing a Life coach for 2-3 months. I really have not kept track of how long its been.
Anyway, I have found it absolutely incredible. I started seeing my coach as more of a favor to him rather than any pressing need to fix me.
You see the coach I am seeing is a very dear friend of mine and he needed another client to help him get his certification.

Well since I started seeing him I have been slowly coming out of the shell I have built up around myself over the last 15 or so years. Its because of this coaching that I'm actively working to get painting back in my life again. Its also the reason I finally started this blog. Hopefully in a future post I will be able to share some of the reasons I put that shell on to begin with.

What prompted me to write this bit of information today was this. My coach gave me a link to another blog that he though I might find interesting, and Id like to share that with you. I will post the link here shortly. It will also be in my link list in case you need it again.

I'm sitting here trying to post more about the site but I keep finding my own emotions getting in the way. The message and honesty I read there has touched me deeply. So deeply that it is kind of scary. Its also very uplifting as well. In other words I have a feeling I have opened a door with in myself that I'm not going to be able to close again until I go through the junk in there and through out the garbage.
Enough preamble here is the link http://invisiblelives.com/.

Well sorry but I'm getting called away. Talk to you again soon

Found some help getting painting back into my life.

After doing some more reading on blogging. I started going out and looking at other peoples blogs. I used the "Blogs if Note" feature on the Dashboard.
Felt really lucky as the first blog I went to was "The sixty minute artist". I started oil painting a few years ago and found I have a little bit of talent. I could not seem to put down my brush while I was taking classes. Since the classes have ended I have found it really hard to find the drive to sit down and paint.
Well I guess that's not totally accurate. I desire is there very strong, I just never seem to get started. On the site I mentioned there are a whole bunch of ideas on how to get started and to fit it back on to a daily or at least weekly routine.

If there are any other artists out there that are having a similar problem I highly recommend the site. You can find a link for it in my link section.

Also feel free to take the "my paintings" link and look what I have done.

Well heres a start

Not really sure what I want to write this time. This is all very new to me. I have been very curious about blogging and thanks to my brother and law I now have a start.



I must say right off the bat here, Grammar Police go away or keep your comments to your self. Due to circumstance beyond my control I have lost some ability's in regard to grammar and such and more importantly I really don't care if my sentence structure is correct or not. I guess that may sound a bit hostile, Its kind of a touch subject for me.
It has been hard to admit to myself over the years that I really did lose some of my ability's after being involved in an accident.
K now that I have that bit of information out of the way, what should I talk about now?

I'm hoping as I learn more about the ins and outs of blogging that I can do something useful with this. Not sure what that would be but there it is lol.
I guess I'm going to have to think about this some more. Sitting here drawing a bit blank on what to say. I'll end this for now and give it some more thought.

Thanks for reading this, come on back. We can see what happens together.